So I’ve been stuck! I started this blog to write a little here and there, to share some stories about hiking, some funny things that happen along the way and some of the craziness that the Sheriff and I get ourselves into. But some things have transpired along the way that have me stuck. I almost scrapped the whole thing. But my darling husband, being the ever so supportive and sensitive mate that he is said “you need to write about what’s going on”. He actually said he can’t believe I haven’t done it already because I can’t usually keep my mouth shut.
A few days or weeks ago, I’m not even sure now, I wrote a light-hearted blog post about fears of hiking, how to combat said fears and even gave a little analogy using hula hoops that I use often at work about comfort zones and such. And I have been trying to keep my blog very light and upbeat, just to stay focused on positivity and humor rather than bringing anybody down on a regular basis. So…… let’s just chuck that out the window right now.
In the very short time since writing that post (I actually wrote it way before I shared), I have learned so much more than I have ever known about fear. I have experienced enough fear to last me and you a lifetime as far as I’m concerned.
What I thought I knew about fear and comfort zones has now been tossed to the wayside and I am overcome with waves of fear regularly. As some of you may know or have heard, our 19 year old son who I affectionately refer to as The Smartest Boy in the World has been diagnosed with cancer. He has been diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, stage 2. So, now, when I look at him, look into his face, I stand face to face with my worst fears.
Now I know what others out there face when dealing with sickness in their children and I try not to think about, try to stop any thoughts of what those of you who have lost a child are going through daily. I actually spend a lot of time not thinking about that scenario at all.
So now my little post that was supposed to be a little humor, a little therapy, and a little hiking seems mundane, silly and not at all funny. Metaphorically, I could trample that hula hoop to pieces as I no longer have a comfort zone to call home.
My family, my son and I are now looking for new ways to cope with fear and learning about losing control of things we only thought we controlled to begin with.
We are going to be ok but we are tossing everything we knew before out the window. We are fighting the waves of fear that ebb and flow like the waves of the ocean. We are praying non stop for comfort because there are times that’s all we know to do. We are still absolutely terrified of what is to come along with treatment, we fear the unknown most of all, but we are ready to fight. We are going to face our fears, we have to.
We didn’t let cancer into our comfort zone and we sure didn’t try to step out toward cancer but it intruded into our lives bringing real fear and terror with it by affecting this wonderful kid of ours. (I know he’s not a kid, don’t tell him I said that!) So we are faced with it whether we want to be or not. Sometimes we handle it appropriately, sometimes we don’t. (I am apologizing in advance for those times.)
I don’t have any short lists on how to deal with fears anymore. I can read what others do to cope and try my best to mimic those who have trudged this path before me and how they dealt with these kinds of issues or worse. But I do hope that once we get through this hijacking of his young life, we will be able to help others find peace, find comfort and rebuild comfort zones. We are so very blessed and thankful for all of you that have reached out to comfort us in so many ways.
I still don’t want this blog to be dark and dreary. I definitely don’t want to make it about cancer at all. We will get through all of this, one way or another. We are finding out how to challenge fears, deal with the waves that ebb and flow. We have even taken a post treatment hike just to motivate ourselves, enjoy some fresh air and redirect our brains away from all this mess.
We so appreciate the cards, meals, and visits and still desire your positive thoughts and your prayers, even your humor as you reach out to us regularly. Stay tuned for updates. I will relate some humorous events that have happened along the way eventually. We seem to be magnets for messing up or for crazy things happening. Definitely, stay tuned.
And to those of you who fight fear on a daily basis, whether it be through physical illness, emotional illness, having lost a child or dealing with an ill family member, know that you are true warriors. You are a true hero to those of us who are trying to find our way. Please share, with all of those who read this, your story, your fight and how you overcome fear.